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Description
And now things really get started. Lycopolis, Lycos and Vahan... *sigh*. Love these characters. 
Comment and Critique please!
Next: Part 3 - Oaths
Previous: Part 1 - Masters
Prologue
Prince Meteor and all of its characters and scenarios © Me - just let me know if you want to use it!
Comment and Critique please!
Next: Part 3 - Oaths
Previous: Part 1 - Masters
Prologue
Prince Meteor and all of its characters and scenarios © Me - just let me know if you want to use it!
© 2012 - 2024 XeG0
Comments7
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Looks like things are getting a little more interesting, I wonder what's going to happen next…
-Your descriptions are wonderful, but watch out that you don't make a sentence too long. Do you ever read your work aloud? You'll be able to easily see where a sentence has too much in it.
-"…faring well today," he said…" - speech tags that follow a comma don't need capital letters. You also need to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.
-"while others were striped…" - do you mean stripped (not striped: something that has stripes)
-The floor that kissing the bottoms of bare footed warriors, is a nice image - because it also insinuates a sound. Good one.
-You describe a lot in terms of looks, and maybe touch, but not much in terms of sound/smells. It could help you create an atmosphere of a piece more.
-"…his bow drawn as well."
-"soundly swallowing him into its tranquility." - this is a nice line too, a little alliteration, and a juxtaposition of elements. Soundly (noisy) and tranquility (quiet).
-You repeat trees twice near the end. "…in the shade of the trees, until he heard a rustling in the trees." It sticks out a little too much.
I always like your work. I can tell there's a lot of thought behind it. That's what keeps me interested. There are too many literature pieces here on dA, where people have just thrown together different techniques, without any real thought. It means they don't have a clear plan of where they're going with a continued series like this. Even if you don't, you make it sound like you do!
Keep it up
-Your descriptions are wonderful, but watch out that you don't make a sentence too long. Do you ever read your work aloud? You'll be able to easily see where a sentence has too much in it.
-"…faring well today," he said…" - speech tags that follow a comma don't need capital letters. You also need to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.
-"while others were striped…" - do you mean stripped (not striped: something that has stripes)
-The floor that kissing the bottoms of bare footed warriors, is a nice image - because it also insinuates a sound. Good one.
-You describe a lot in terms of looks, and maybe touch, but not much in terms of sound/smells. It could help you create an atmosphere of a piece more.
-"…his bow drawn as well."
-"soundly swallowing him into its tranquility." - this is a nice line too, a little alliteration, and a juxtaposition of elements. Soundly (noisy) and tranquility (quiet).
-You repeat trees twice near the end. "…in the shade of the trees, until he heard a rustling in the trees." It sticks out a little too much.
I always like your work. I can tell there's a lot of thought behind it. That's what keeps me interested. There are too many literature pieces here on dA, where people have just thrown together different techniques, without any real thought. It means they don't have a clear plan of where they're going with a continued series like this. Even if you don't, you make it sound like you do!
Keep it up